Psychotherapy for Men

As a depth psychotherapist based in Oakland, CA, I offer compassionate therapy for men suffering from depression, anxiety, loneliness and shame.

Growing Up Male: The Impact of Toxic Masculinity

As a man, you grew up learning not to express vulnerability. From the earliest ages you were taught not to cry, to resolve conflict with physical violence and aggression, and not to show affection to other men. You played with soldiers and trucks and superheroes, guns and violent video games.

If you’re sensitive, you were likely shamed. Perhaps even called the worst words of all: a “pussy” or a “faggot.” In American culture, and many others, men are taught to be the opposite of anything associated with femininity. Along with homophobia, misogyny (a hatred of women), may have made its way into your unconscious and is wreaking havoc on your relationships, your self-esteem, your behavior, and your ability to experience real intimacy.

You may be feeling guilt, shame, anger, outrage and denial about your identity and how you are perceived as a man in today’s world. You were taught what it meant to be a man (be hyper-masculine), and now you’re being told that you’re a threat. Taking responsibility for harming others is extremely important, but so is having compassion for yourself and the ways you have been harmed by toxic masculinity.

Healing for Men: Confronting Versus Avoiding Feeling

Because most men have learned to resolve conflict with physical violence, it can be impossible to know any other way of expressing your feelings. Tears were unacceptable – perhaps even dangerous. In this kind of toxic environment, without opportunities to safely show emotion, many men try to disconnect from emotions all-together. You may be using mind-altering substances, food, sex, money, work or power to feel better; to manage what you’re feeling inside, but it’s a vicious cycle and nothing ever really gets resolved that way. Not to mention what it does to your relationships. Not knowing another way to cope, you avoid. You avoid feeling. You avoid vulnerability. You avoid real emotional intimacy, and then you just feel empty and alone. You fill that void with a substance or a distraction, and the cycle continues. It’s no way to live.

What Therapy Can Offer Men

Not only can you begin to discover what you are feeling in therapy, but also why, and how to manage those feelings. You may start to feel alive, open and connected on a level you never have before. It can be uncomfortable and scary at first, but the reward lasts a lifetime. You can learn to resolve conflict through conversation without defensiveness or avoidance. You can learn that it’s okay, even preferable, to have emotional intimacy in your life. Your relationships can deepen and improve because you know how to feel and express your emotions and needs. You can heal and feel and thrive, forgive yourself, and truly live in alignment with your heart.