Being a Single Woman in Midlife
Not Married, Not Broken
I used to wince at the word spinster. Maybe you did too. It brings to mind a woman alone at the edge of the village—threadbare, childless, past her prime. An old maid. A warning.
But lately, I’ve been wondering: What if that woman wasn’t a warning, but a weaver? What if she wasn’t exiled—but free?
In a culture that equates female worth with being chosen, partnered, and pleasing, single women—especially in midlife—are often treated like a question mark. What happened? Are you too picky? Too independent? Too much?
I hear it in my therapy office often. From women who are brilliant, generous, soulful. Women who have built lives full of meaning. And still, somewhere in the quiet, there’s a haunting: Am I less lovable because I’m alone?
The answer is a resounding no. But the haunting is real—and it’s not personal. It’s cultural. It’s archetypal. And it’s old.
A Brief History of the Spinster
The word spinster originally referred to a woman who spun thread for a living—an honorable and essential trade in the Middle Ages. These women earned their own income and were often unmarried because they didn’t have to be. Over time, as patriarchy deepened its hold, the term took on a derogatory tone.
A spinster became a figure of pity, or ridicule. She was seen as undesirable, deviant. And as women’s economic survival became increasingly tied to marriage, being single was no longer just a choice—it was a threat to the social order.
So the language shifted. And with it, the stories we told about women who lived outside the lines.
Marriage, Patriarchy, and the Illusion of Safety
For much of history, marriage was a contract of ownership. A woman became her husband’s legal property—her body, her children, her labor. She could not vote, inherit, or often even keep her own wages.
Marriage, for many, was not about love. It was about lineage, land, survival.
And yet we still romanticize it.
We tell girls that their worth lies in being chosen. That their wedding day is the most important day of their lives. That to be single is to be waiting.
But many women I work with are no longer waiting. They’re waking up.
To the grief of what never came.
To the deep work of reclaiming self.
To the quiet beauty of a life that’s their own.
The Jungian View: The Crone and the Creative Feminine
In Jungian psychology, every life stage has an archetypal energy. For women in midlife, the Crone—misunderstood and maligned like the spinster—is often waiting to be remembered.
She is not the hag of fairy tales meant to frighten children. She is the wise woman. The truth-teller. The one who sees through illusion and no longer needs to perform.
The Crone is the part of us that doesn’t apologize for taking up space. She doesn’t need to be partnered to be powerful. She knows that solitude is not the same as loneliness—and that soul work often begins where the fairy tale ends.
Jung said that the first half of life is about building the ego, and the second is about listening to the soul. For many single women in midlife, this is precisely the turning point: from external validation to internal integration. From being good to being whole.
Loneliness, Longing, and the Life Unfolding
Let’s be honest: being single in midlife can ache.
There are nights that feel empty. Holidays that bring grief. The body changes. Friends move away. Dating feels excruciating or impossible. And the loneliness is not just for a partner—it’s for the life you thought you’d be living.
This grief is sacred. It deserves to be witnessed, not minimized.
But I also see something else emerge in women who turn toward this ache instead of away from it. Something luminous.
A deeper intimacy with self.
A rewilding of soul.
A reclamation of voice, vision, and value.
This is not the consolation prize. This is the path.
Reimagining the Spinster as Sacred
What if being a spinster wasn’t a failure—but a form of freedom?
What if singlehood wasn’t something to survive—but something to savor?
What if we saw women not as incomplete, but as unfolding?
You are not behind. You are not too late. You are not unloved.
You are becoming fully, and uniquely youself.
And while the world may still whisper old stories in your ear, there is an older story beneath them all—one that lives in your bones, and dreams, and breath.
One where the wise woman is not alone because she was left behind, but because she chose to walk her own way.
Therapy for Single Women in Midlife
If you’re a single woman navigating midlife and wrestling with grief, identity, or the quiet ache of longing—I’d be honored to sit with you. Together, we can explore not just the pain, but the possibilities: of self-love, spiritual depth, and soulful becoming.
I offer psychotherapy for women in Oakland, and virtually throughout California. You don’t have to walk this path alone.