Trauma Bonds
So many of us find ourselves entangled in relationships that feel both magnetic and unbearable. We can’t seem to leave, yet staying costs us deeply. This is what we call a trauma bond—a relationship held together not by love, but by an unconscious repetition of old wounds. From a Jungian perspective, trauma bonds are not only painful but profoundly symbolic. They show us something essential about our psyche and our longing for wholeness.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
At its simplest, a trauma bond is a cycle of connection and harm that feels impossible to break. It often forms when someone who is both a source of love and of pain becomes central to our emotional world. The child who longs for a parent’s tenderness but receives neglect or abuse will unconsciously equate love with suffering. As adults, we may then gravitate toward partners or friends who recreate that same dynamic, without even realizing why.
It isn’t that we are weak, broken, or foolish for staying in these relationships. From a Jungian lens, the psyche is attempting to heal by repeating what was wounded, hoping this time the story will end differently. Trauma bonds reveal the places where our soul is still crying out to be seen, loved, and held without condition.
The Shadow in Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds are deeply tied to the shadow—those aspects of ourselves we repress, disown, or project onto others. Often, we are drawn to people who embody the very qualities we have buried in ourselves. A harsh partner might mirror our own inner critic. An unavailable partner might echo the parts of us that shut down intimacy out of fear.
By making the unconscious conscious, we begin to see how these relationships are less about the other person and more about our inner world seeking recognition. Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Trauma bonds often feel like fate—but really, they are invitations to turn inward and reclaim the exiled parts of ourselves.
The Archetypal Dimension
There is also an archetypal layer to trauma bonds. Many of these relationships constellate the child archetype—the part of us that is still waiting for the parent who never truly came. We may unconsciously cast our partner in the role of the mother or father, hoping they will finally meet our needs. Instead, the same cycle of abandonment or mistreatment repeats, deepening the wound.
Yet within the archetype of the child is also the seed of renewal, innocence, and hope. By tending to the inner child, we open the possibility of new patterns—relationships rooted not in survival, but in love.
Breaking Free: Unconditional Self-Love
From the Jungian perspective, healing a trauma bond does not come from sheer willpower or even cutting ties with the other person—though boundaries are essential. Healing arises when we turn toward the abandoned parts of our psyche with compassion. The love we were seeking from the other must be offered inward, often for the very first time.
Therapy can provide a sacred space for this kind of inner work. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, old wounds can be revisited with new eyes, and the child who was once unseen can finally be witnessed. Slowly, we learn that love and suffering are not the same. We can choose relationships that nourish rather than deplete.
Trauma Bonds as Portals to Wholeness
Though excruciating, trauma bonds are not meaningless. They are the psyche’s way of drawing us into the very heart of our wound, so we might discover our capacity for wholeness. In Jung’s language, they are part of the individuation process—the lifelong journey of becoming more fully ourselves.
When we meet the shadow, tend to the inner child, and reclaim our projections, we find freedom. What once felt like destiny begins to loosen its hold, and we open ourselves to relationships that are built on mutual care, respect, and genuine intimacy.
If you are caught in a trauma bond, please know you are not alone. These patterns are deeply human, and they do not define your worth. With compassion, insight, and support, the cycle can be broken. What feels like a curse may one day reveal itself as a turning point on your path toward healing and self-love.
I offer trauma therapy in Oakland, and virtually throughout California.